No matter what your strategy for improving your game, the fact remains that you need a plan.
By having a plan, I don’t mean “I plan to succeed” or “I will learn X, Y or Z method”, I mean, literally, you need a specific plan when you go out in the field to meet new women, follow up with women you’ve met, and prepare to handle escalation to more: sex and establishing a relationship. Before you try to go from point A to Z, you first need to go from A to B, then B to C, and so on.
First, Pinpoint Where You Get Stuck
Since I’ve been around this stuff so long, I’ve become pretty aware to pinpoint where a guy might be having problems, and usually it’s due to being stuck at a certain stage and not being able to get past that stage. First comes the awareness of where the hangup is, then the honesty to accept that is where progression is needed, and finally there needs to be a plan to get through that sticking point.
So, for example, if you’re out and able to approach, you may have an issue getting past the initial approach. It took so much guts to get you to walk up and open your mouth and to do that often, but maybe you don’t know what to do after that. Or maybe you’re OK to get past that and now you need to know how to transition into a meaty interaction. An then, from there, attraction. And so on.
Next, Find The Puzzle Piece That Fits
For all of that, for every step, you need a plan. After a while, when you’re familiar with any smaller element of the overall picture, your plan becomes automatic and you are more fluid without much effort. That’s definitely where you want to be. But BEFORE you can get to that point, which is the ultimate goal, you need to have a plan for each and every place you may run into sticking points.
One of the greatest tools available to you is the knowledge from other guys who have successfully broken down each and every one of those stages and elements. That knowledge is your short-cut to having a plan. Some will claim that such things are crutches but, really, they only become that way if you end up having a huge dependence on them. The truth is they are like training wheels.
Lastly, Put The Plan To Work
I wish I could think of a better example than this, but, have you seen the movie “The Karate Kid”? In it, in order for his master to teach him to get good, he forced him to repetitively “wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off”. It was training to become familiar with the motions until eventually the motions became natural, almost instinctual.
This is really a very important point because having been at this so long it seems people gravitate towards 2 distinct beliefs. One is that game should be “natural” (free-flowing, vibe, inner game) and the other is that the game is completely “mechanical” (indirect, structured, controlled).
Don’t Fall Into The “One Size Fits All” Camp
The reality is, having good game, at least for guys who don’t start off being natural at it, requires BOTH. There could be a time in the future where a guy who was focused on a structured method becomes familiar enough with the process that he becomes far less dependent on such things and is able to be more naturalistic, and then start espousing that natural game is the key, but he would not have gotten there had he not initally had a plan in the form of tried & tested routines, tactics, techniques, especially garnered from guys who are good who’ve been in the field far more than he’d been.
But, hey, if you are NOW a natural at pickup, dating, sex, relationships, etc, then so be it, you will perceive that is “the way” and all else is a distraction. And, from your point of view, you would be right. But nobody, unless they are BORN or BRED that way, are a natural out of the gate. EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE needs a plan to go from A to B, then B to C, then C to D, and so on. EVERYONE.
So, I ask, where are YOUR sticking points and do you have a plan to get you through them?
(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)
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October 9th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Hi.
I think my two largest problem areas are either making the initial contact or bridging the gap from neg hits to attraction.
My problem with the opener is that my friends usually just like to stand in a circle and talk at the bar and it’s weird when I leave them and then they come over to me when I’m talking to someone else - maybe I should go out alone or only with 1 guy when I’m trying to pickup and leave the rest or the boys at home.
My problem with neg hit transition is that usually I just keep on truckin’ with the neg hits til the girl will mention to someone that I think this guy hates me. I guess it’s difficult for me to find a cocky/funny medium when trying to create attraction. Any suggestions?
Blog is awesome by the way.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Hi Bob, glad you like the blog.
If you’re out with your friends and you’re interested to meet girls then they are there for the role of wingmen and in that case you set the ground rules. If you do fine approaching on your own then you simply tell your buddies to not merge into the girls or groups you’re talking to unless you bring them over.
Just set the ground rules.
Also, you don’t have to just approach at bars or clubs. Try out day game, it will also help you maintain a calmer pace without distraction from your friends.
The other thing which stands out is you say “bridging the gap from neg hits to attraction”. Do you know what negs are really for? Of all the guys I’ve met who’ve used them in the field, 19 out of 20 totally misunderstand their role, purpose, or how to use them. I’m just asking because usually negs are mis-used and it takes a little extra enlightenment to truly understand them.
There is no “neg to attraction” procedure. You can occasionally throw out a neg as an opener but that’s all it is, a disqualifying opener, and you still have to stack another opener after it to actually engage the girl. Also, negs can be used as a reactive response to a testy girl. So what you really need is a transition from opener (regardless of what it is) to attraction. We’ll actually be covering this in “Tactics & Techniques” but basically you need to not linger on the opener but shift into a transitional routine, whether practiced or free-form. It can be talking to her about an observation, about her usually, relaying a short story to her (the most natural is something recent), or jumping into a kino (touch) maneuver where, for example, you might come up with a game involving hands and engages her for 1-2 minutes.
Really, the opener is just that: An opener, and once opened you can jump into something else more conversational or interactive. Once you’ve gone through that for a couple minutes, you can escalate into an attraction routine.
So, think: Transition. Also, the transition doesn’t have to have any real connection to the opener, you can always say something like “Hey, I noticed you’re wearing blue and I heard something the other day that girls who like blue usually have slightly larger hands than girls who like other colors. Let me check your hands…” Then tell a short story and… the next thing you know you’re on your way to building up an attraction routine.
Also, about negs, just STOP using them if you’re not so controlled with them. I mean, I personally might throw ONE at a girl and leave it at that because if they keep coming then you’re effectively just standing there insulting her. And cocky/funny is not the same as negs. You might be mixing up all kinds of methods without any rhyme or reason. Or maybe you’re mis-calibrating and aren’t noticing when the girl has started to qualify herself to you, which is the big signal to absolutely not neg but, rather, reward her for qualifying (usually in the form of a positive comment).
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:11 am
If I get often stuck at the same phase I throw more routines at the problem. Some routines work at some types of girls. To minimize the number of routines I need to memorize I’l limit the types of girls I target. The first step in this strategy is to decide what kind if girl I want. Then I prepare 2-3 routines per step in the process before I go out that day. If I often get stuck at the same place I prepare 6-7 in that phase.
The first steps with openers and fluff talk is what you get most practice on. Then it gets trickier and I think creating attraction is the hardest part. After some fluff talk I will know if she fits the profile for the patterns I have prepared. If the don’t fit I might use her for social proof, test subject for some new routine or just move on.
Its strange that neg hits get a lot of attention in media. I see them as a part of troubleshooting. Not something to be used on regular basis. Its to easy to have them backfire so I don’t think they should be used at all in the beginning. Better to just move on when you get the kind of trouble where you need it.
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
The media focuses on stuff that creates a “stir”, which isn’t necessarily what should get the attention in the first place. The media is seeking out voyeurs, we’re out to actually help guys.
We have a small part of T&T covering negs but make absolutely certain to explain their proper use. It’s also why we have commentaries because it allows us to ground the routines into reality. Sometimes it’s easy for beginners to not quite grasp what any given routine, tactics, or technique is really about, let alone understand the proper delivery.
Anyway, I like your suggestion and it’s a great way to not overwhelm yourself in the field. Ultimately, this will all become second nature to you, and to the other guys out there learning, but in the meantime having a plan like you do will take you far.