A lot of guys have a hard time initiating touch with a woman, or they do it wrong. It’s important to touch a woman early on when meeting her, for many reasons. If you don’t touch her at all she is going to have you in the “just friends” category, or that category in her mind that indirectly thinks “he isn’t interested in sex”.
Establishing touch early on does all the right things. It lets her know that you are not looking to “just be friends”. If done right, it automatically releases good chemicals in her body (specifically a hormone called oxytocin) that make her feel good and happy and relaxed. Also, it is the first step in a progression of touch that gets increasingly intimate over time and makes the eventual transition to kissing and sex really natural and easy.
So a great little tactic I started doing naturally a long time and that I use frequently to establish touch is simply to compare hand size with a woman. You can do it at any time, you can even interrupt whatever you are saying and sort of “happen” to notice her hands and just say:
“Let me see your hand”
At the same time, you can put your hand out with fingers outstretched. The clear meaning is she should put up her hand to yours, and if she does this you have also figured out that she is open to being led by you, and this is a great first sign!
If she doesn’t immediately put up her hand you simply reach out and bring her hand up to yours. Now, there are a few possibilities. If she has really small hands you can comment on that. If she has really slender fingers you can comment on that. Maybe she has well manicured nails and you can compliment her for taking care of herself. If she has been being a brat and has big hands, you can bring her down a notch and tease her that her hands are almost bigger than yours.
You can even move from this into other forms of prolonged hand contact, like playful thumb wrestling, palm reading, playing mercy, hand slapping game, whatever. If I am alone with her when I do this I will often just start holding her hand and keep talking naturally. Or I will let her hand rest on my hand from above, and if she doesn’t take it back that is also a green light that she is interested.
Anyway, there are a lot of variations and some subtleties, but generally this is a great technique to use and its part of my bread and butter. I’m happy to answer any questions on this.
Ray
(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
Loading...
October 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am
So here’s one question: i’m recently getting along pretty well with a work mate and we’re constantly laughing and having fun and i started touching her, as she already bumped me for some funny remark.
thing is: i first sightly stroked her leg and she did not mind, but when i put two fingers behind her ellbow (quite a few cm above on the upper arm. she suddenly pulled her arm away, like she wanted to upper-cut the air.
this left me kinda off guard concerning the whole touch-thing.
one side note: she’s in a (distance) relationship. and special hints on how to proceed? :)
cheers
October 7th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Ray might have some more advice but here’s my take:
First of all, don’t let quirky reactions like that affect your own mental state over your interactions. Although it’s important to observe the women we’re interacting with in order to calibrate how things are going, reactions like you describe could be due to 100 different reasons, 99 of which have nothing to do with anything you should care about. In fact when I read a comment like yours, my main concern wouldn’t be the reaction of the girl but to ask you why you would be so hyper-sensitive to minor quirky behavior or allow it to make you hesitate – that is a much bigger thing that, if you can fix about yourself, you’re success in general with women will improve.
You say she works with you. I wouldn’t necessarily condone pursuing someone at work, but let’s ignore that “rule” for now. Maybe when you touched her on the leg, it was out of sight of other co-workers and that’s why she welcomed it but when you touched her on her elbow it was more visible and she became self-conscious of coworkers seeing her openly flirting physically.
Another possibility is some girls are not sensitive or hesitant to being touched in some parts of their body, but are in others. For example, one girl that I’ve slept with got all spatic (not in a fun or pleasant way) whenever I would try to kiss her tummy or neck.
Finally, about the long-distance relationship: Again, why would you care? That’s her issue, not yours. If you think it could be enough of an issue for her that she would resiste escalation with you, then you simply relay to her either directly or within the subtext of your communications that you’re a discreet person.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Very nice post, and congrats on the new blog.
One suggestion: remember it is your state of mind, your energy and your intent that adds power to your actions, whether those actions are touching, kissing, or just approaching.
Make sure that whatever touch you use conveys warmth and strength. This can make an otherwise “creepy” touch turn into a welcome invitation to do more.
Peace and piece,
RJ
October 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
naf-
You wrote:
“i first sightly stroked her leg and she did not mind, but when i put two fingers behind her ellbow (quite a few cm above on the upper arm. she suddenly pulled her arm away, like she wanted to upper-cut the air.”
Well, the first thing is actually you kind of got the order wrong. Most women are going to be more protective of a leg touch than back of elbow.
And as Ross Jeffries pointed out, it has a lot to do with the energy you convey, so you might have had wierd seeming energy on the second touch and not the first.
That is precisely why I wrote this post, most guys are not good at touch, and so it helps to have the training wheels of having an excuse to touch her hand first like I explained. That gets you used to doing it so that you dont exude any wierd energy in the future as you will be used to touching women.